“What God has joined together, let no one separate.” God joined a married couple. It’s not the judge or the priest. The union is meant to be for life. Hence, no human being can shatter the union. However, this can be difficult to comprehend if you’re in an abusive relationship. Indeed, God frowns upon the idea of divorce. But what does the Bible say about abusive marriage? Should abusive men be tolerated?
It’s truly heartbreaking every time you hear about domestic abuse. If church leaders don’t frown upon physical abuse in marriage, then they don’t understand Christ’s love. God hates divorce but He is also God of love. God doesn’t advocate abuse in marriage and tolerate abusive father. If He does, then no woman (or man) would want to get married.
He doesn’t endorse sexual abuse in marriage. Instead, His new commandment states that “You love one another, as I have loved you.” Hence, if a church tolerates abusive marriage, then it’s not working with God. Marital abuse is a serious issue. The Bible only promotes love, trust, and mutual respect. If abuse isn’t addressed, there can be confusion. It leads people to believe that married couples must endure abuse because of a misunderstanding about concepts such as marital commitment or submission.
The Scripture is Against Violence and Harm
When using a biblical framework, you can see how scripture speaks clearly against violence and harm, even in the context of marriage. Abuse, be it emotional abuse or physical, isn’t acceptable in God’s eyes. His desire for marriage is grounded in love, protection, and safety. Thus, abusive relationships must be addressed to empower victims to seek help. The church must support them and must clarify that God’s heart is for justice, healing, and peace, not suffering. Abuse must not be ignored or justified. Rather, it’s a violation of biblical values that requires appropriate action in line with scripture.
So, as Christians, how do we approach abuse in marriage? First, let’s talk about God’s design for marriage.
What Does the Bible Say About Abusive Marriage: God’s Design for Marriage
The essence of marriage is clearly stated in this biblical phrase: “two become one flesh.” It’s a summary of His design for marriage. They’re just two words but they are the most beautiful words that clearly define human relationships. From the very start, the Bible has already painted a lovely picture of marriage as a divine covenant. It’s a union not just between two people. Rather, it’s a union between the couple and God.
Free Resource
Get Your FREE Prayer Guide Now
and join the Daily Way Devotional: Join 25,000+ Subscribers
But in this modern world. It’s challenging to follow what God has designed. Relationships can become strained or misunderstood. That’s why it’s important to revisit god’s word and what the Bible teaches about God’s design for marriage.
Remember that marriage is God’s idea. Genesis 2:24 reads: “Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and they shall become one flesh.” This scripture reveals pertinent elements of God’s intent for marriage. First, He designed marriage as unity. It brings two people together to form a new, united entity, i.e. “one flesh.” God also designed marriage for a man and a woman to complement each other. They must bring their unique strengths and qualities to the union.
Love is the foundation of marriage. However, it’s not any kind of love that you know. Rather, it’s an unconditional love that Christ Himself has modeled. Christ’s love for the church was deep enough that he laid down His life for her. This is the same way in marriage. A husband’s love for his wife must be selfless, sacrificial, and focused on her well-being.
In Ephesians 5:33, it reinforces the significance of mutual respect. It states that “each one of you must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.” Mutual respect means you must honor each other’s dignity and value. It doesn’t fit in an abusive relationship because the dynamic of respect is clearly destroyed. That is, one partner seeks to control, belittle, or harm the other. It also undermines the honor that must define marriage according to God’s design. Abuse also negates the very foundation set in this verse. Rather than fostering an environment of love and respect, abuse creates pain and emotional damage. It’s entirely inconsistent with the biblical vision of marriage.
In short, this verse shows that love and respect are non-negotiable in a marriage. Abuse or any behavior that damages or violates these principles is unbiblical. It’s unacceptable in the eyes of God.
Marriage is Meant to Bring Joy
Then, Ecclesiastes 4:9-12 talks about the strength and support that comes from two people walking together. It describes that marriage isn’t just a duty that you need to oblige. Rather, it’s a relationship that’s designed and meant to bring joy, laughter, and fulfillment. It’s a space where couples can experience fruitfulness in terms of having kids and fostering spiritual growth, emotional support, and shared goals.
In an abusive marriage, though, this sense of mutual support is lost. An abusive spouse is no longer a source of strength, leaving the abused spouse vulnerable and isolated. It undermines the very strength that marriage is designed to provide.
Partners Must Defend Each Other
The passage continues “If two lie down together, they will keep warm. But how can one keep warm alone? Though one may be overpowered, two can defend themselves.” It only reflects the protective nature of marriage. That is, partners defend each other to create a safe place and nurturing environment.
But how can it be if you’re in an abusive marriage? The protection is turned into harm. The marriage becomes a space of danger and fear, instead of being a place of safety. It takes away the warmth, comfort, and sense of security that God has intended for marriage. It brings us to marriage as a covenant, which is love, protection, and faithfulness.
Covenant = Love, Protection, and Faithfulness
Malachi 2:14 states that God considers marriage as a covenant. It’s a sacred agreement between God, a husband, and a wife. In this verse, God loathes people who have been unfaithful to their spouses. He told them that marriage is a deep, binding promise that they made before God. The passage conveys how serious God is in His views about marriage. It highlights the expectations of love, protection, and faithfulness. It serves as a reminder that abusing your spouse violates the sacred covenant.
In the Bible, the covenant is not just a legal contract. It’s a spiritual bond that involves a deep commitment to mutual care and respect. When you marry your spouse, your marriage is a lifelong promise to your spouse and God. You’re called to honor and cherish each other. God is a witness to your union. Hence, your commitment isn’t just to your partner but also to God.
Abuse Breaks the Covenant
But if there’s abuse in your relationship, it breaks this covenant as it undermines the trust and mutual care that must define your relationship. The abusive husband treats the spouse with contempt and harm, instead of honoring him/her as a partner in a sacred promise. It does oppose the spirit of the covenant.
Then, at the heart of your marriage covenant is a commitment that you love, protect, and remain faithful to each other. It’s not a one-sided expectation. Rather, it’s a mutual agreement that the two of you must uphold. In this covenantal marriage, love is about sacrificing for each other. It also means being patient, kind, and forgiving.
Couples Must Keep Each Other Safe from Harm
Protection is also a key aspect of the covenant. You and your spouse must keep each other safe from harm, physically and emotionally. But in such cases of abuse, this aspect is violated as the abuser becomes the source of danger, instead of safety. The sense of security is part of God’s vision for marriage. But abuse destroys it.
Faithfulness is beyond being physically faithful. You need to be emotionally and spiritually devoted. It means that you must respect each other’s dignity and fulfill the promises that you made before God. Abuse can be physical violence, emotional manipulation, or neglect. Any type of abuse is a betrayal of this faithfulness. The reason for this is that it harms the partner, instead of honoring the spouse.
God is displeased with people who violate the marriage covenant. He is aware of the injustice being done in abusive situations. He also doesn’t turn a blind eye to mistreatment in marriage. Failure to honor the covenant through acts of abuse is considered acting against God’s will.
Our Lord cares deeply about how you treat each other. He holds couples accountable for upholding their vows and maintaining the love and respect that the marriage demands. In marriage, abuse is considered as a betrayal. The abuser betrays God’s trust. Remember that He is the witness to the promises made during the marriage. That’s why He detests people who harm others.
God Detests Those Who Harm Others
In Proverbs 6:16-19, you can read the list of behaviors that God finds detestable. You can understand here how He strongly opposed actions that cause harm and discord. In an abusive marriage, this passage offers a perspective on how God views actions that lead to physical pain, harm, and chaos in relationships. The biblical text addresses the types of harmful behaviors that are present in abusive marriages.
For instance, “Hands that shed innocent blood.” It’s a condemnation of physical abuse. He is deeply concerned about the protection of innocent lives. In marriage, it means that physical abuse is contrary to His will. Remember again that marriage is designed to be a place of safety, mutual care, and trust. But when one uses physical force on the other, then that person violates trust in the relationship and acts against God’s commitment to love and protect each other.
When your partner physically harms you, this verse serves as a reminder that any type of violence is not acceptable. God hates it. He doesn’t tolerate any type of action that can cause harm to another person, especially if the person must be cherished and protected as a partner in a sacred covenant.
In the “heart that devises wicked schemes,” God refers to it as a malicious intent. It also means actions that are premeditated to cause harm. It can be emotional or psychological abuse in marriage. That is, one partner manipulates, gaslights, or controls the other just to maintain power over that person.
God values honesty, integrity, and love. That’s why God can’t tolerate wicked schemes. Abuse involves deception and a desire to harm, instead of supporting and uplifting each other. Trust and mutual respect must be part of every marriage. But manipulative behaviors are damaging. And God rejects this type of action. He clearly states that He is against the use of emotional harm and control in a relationship.
The verse also condemns a lying tongue. It reflects dishonesty and deception. They are common in abusive relationships. The abuser often uses it to maintain control, manipulate the partner’s perception of reality, or deceive others outside the relationship about what’s happening inside.
This deceit breaks the trust between spouses. It also isolates the victim. As a result, the victim finds it difficult to reach out for help. God emphasizes His desire for truthfulness and transparency in relationships. Again, marriage is meant to be built on trust, mutual respect, and openness. But abusers utilize lies to cover their actions. Thus, they’re in direct opposition to God’s will.
A Godly Marriage
The verse also provides a powerful perspective on God’s stance toward abusive behavior in marriage. Violence, manipulation, deceit, conflict, and impulsive harm contradict the qualities that must characterize a godly marriage. He uses strong language, which indicates only that He doesn’t just discourage abusive behaviors but He is also fundamentally against them because they’re against His nature and His design.
The passage is also a condemnation of the behaviors that destroy the well-being of a spouse. God doesn’t condone actions that cause harm and suffering. Rather, He desires relationships to be full of love, respect, and protection. If there’s abuse in marriage, it’s a distortion of this ideal. Abuse in any form is never aligned with His will. It’s a violation of God’s principles.
Violation of God’s Principles
Any abusive behavior in marriage is a direct contradiction and violation of God’s principles. Remember that the Bible always reminds us to uphold principles of love, kindness, and gentleness. They are our guide on how we interact with others, including our spouses. But abusive behavior represents a breach of these principles. It undermines the very foundation of a God-honoring marriage.
In Ephesians 4: 29-32, God clearly defines how His believers must treat one another. It focuses on using words and actions that aim to build up and not tear down. “Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs…” He also emphasized being kind and compassionate to one another and forgiving each other just as in Christ God forgave us.
Spouses Must Be Kind, Compassionate and Gentle
In marriage, spouses are called to be kind, compassionate, and gentle to one another. Thus, when you talk, you must communicate in a way that it uplifts and benefits your partner. In other words, the communication must aim to strengthen your relationship, instead of causing harm. But if the communication involves harsh word, criticism, insults, and manipulation, then it directly counters the instruction to speak. That is, “only what is helpful for building others up.”
To foster a sense of safety and mutual respect, kind words and compassionate actions must dominate. If there’s verbal abuse, like insults, belittlement, and threats, then it’s breaking down the emotional well-being of the partner. And God condemns it. God only wants speech that nurtures, instead of harms. If you use words to control, demean, or instill fear in your partner, then you’re violating the biblical call to act with compassion and kindness.
Believers Must Eliminate Bitterness
The passage also urges believers to eliminate bitterness, rage, and anger. It directly challenges behaviors, such as physical aggression and violent outbursts. Unfortunately, these are common in abusive relationships. Believers are instructed in the Bible to reject anger and malice as they’re a form of physical violence or emotional cruelty.
Intentionally hurting your spouse through physical violence or intimidation is a behavior that’s the antithesis of God’s command to get rid of anger and malice. That’s why instead of reacting with violence, you must demonstrate patience and understanding, no matter how difficult the situation is. But when you choose to use your anger to harm your spouse, you’re in direct opposition to the principles of love and gentleness as outlined in the passage.
The Kindness of Christ
Christ has shown kindness, compassion, and forgiving others to the believers. That’s why all believers are called to like Him. This instruction is vital for reconciliation and healing in any relationship. But in an abusive marriage, it’s vital to recognize that forgiveness doesn’t mean tolerating ongoing abuse. The Bible doesn’t call for enduring harm. Rather, it emphasizes the restoration and healthy boundaries.
Again, if there’s control, manipulation, and repeated harm, this behavior is a contradiction to the spirit of mutual forgiveness and grace that must define your marriage. Keep in mind that true forgiveness can only happen if spouses are willing to change and work towards a healthier dynamic. But if your spouse continues to cause harm to you without repentance, then it only shows that your partner doesn’t honor the biblical call to kindness and gentlest.
Is Abuse the Same as Submission?
Can a man treat his wife harshly because it is her biblical duty? Many husbands believe it as it’s a form of establishing their authority in the home and it always equates to godliness. But this is abuse. Keep in mind that there’s an essential distinction between submission and abuse.
The concept of submission in marriage is often misinterpreted which leads to incorrectly justifying abusive behavior. In Ephesians 5:22-24, “Wives, submit yourselves to your own husbands as you do to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything.”
Many husbands think that their wives must endure mistreatment or accept the abusive behavior of their husbands in the name of submission. But this is an interpretation that ignores the biblical context and true meaning of submission. Remember that the biblical idea of submission is the willingness and loving response, and not domination or control by one partner over the other.
What is True Submission?
True submission of wives in a biblical marriage is about mutual respect and partnership, and not silencing a spouse. When you genuinely understand the scripture, you’ll know that the person who has an intimate relationship with the one true God doesn’t treat his bride in destructive ways. Instead, he always remembers what God clearly states: “Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her.” When a man understands God’s love, he extends it to his own bride.
A Christlike husband always sacrifices, nourishes, and places his wife above his needs and desires. This is represented in Ephesians 5:26-33. That is, a man who follows the covenant of God knows that Jesus Himself loves His bride by sacrificing his life. He washed her with gracious words and nourished her as one does his own body.
The Bible doesn’t advocate unilateral submission that doesn’t consider the value, dignity, and safety of the wife. Rather, the passage encourages a relationship of love and mutual care. That is, each partner serves and honors the other because it reflects the selfless love that Christ has for the church.
So, to comprehend “Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ,” it means that both husband and wife must serve one another and respect each other’s needs. They must also work together in unity.
When you and your partner understand that you must respect and care for each other equally, then there’s no room for domination or manipulation. A husband is called to love his wife as Christ loves the church.
Abuse Contradicts “Love Your Neighbor as Yourself” Teaching
The teaching “Love your neighbor as yourself” is central to Christian ethics. It emphasizes, not just compassion and respect but also the dignity that must be afforded to every person. When you apply it to the context of marriage, this commandment highlights how abusive behavior is in direct contradiction to these principles.
Spouses are called to care for each other’s well-being with the same kindness that they would wish for themselves. Remember that your spouse isn’t just your neighbor. Rather, your partner is your closest companion in your life. The Bible’s call to love one’s neighbor extends deeply to your spouse because the marriage bond is built on trust, love, and response.
If only spouses understand and take this commandment seriously, it can form the foundation of a loving and healthy marriage. No abusive person in the equation. That is, both partners will strive to support and nurture one another to foster an environment of safety and understanding.
Abuse Harms the Person Meant to Be Cherished
As mentioned earlier, any form of abuse, be it physical, emotional, verbal, or psychological, is in direct opposition to God’s command to “love your neighbor as yourself.” Abuse harms the person who is meant to be cherished. It also reflects a self-centered desire for power or control, instead of self-giving love that the Bible calls for.
Forms of abuse inflict pain and fear. It also creates a harmful environment. And this behavior is contrary to the compassion and care that Jesus teaches. The true essence of the statement “loving your neighbor” is to seek the good of others, honor their humanity, and protect their well-being. But in the context of abuse, all of these principles are being denied.
Love is Sacrificial
You may also ask that Biblical love is meant to be sacrificial. But it only means that you’re willing to put the needs of others before your own. This mirrors the selfless love of Christ who have Himself up for others.
Abusive behavior, on the other hand, is a desire to control, dominate and manipulate. It prioritizes one’s desire or frustrations at the expense of the partner’s safety and happiness. If you act in an abusive way, you’re denying the value of your spouse’s feelings and worth. It directly violates the command to “love your neighbor as yourself.” It only shows a lack of empathy. You’re disregarding the biblical mandate to treat others with dignity and kindness.
Abuse Replaces Love with Fear
When couples respect the biblical command of loving neighbor like yourself, their marriage will flourish. The reason for this is that both partners feel valued and supported. But if there’s abuse, it destroys this foundation as it replaces love with fear and mutual support with pain. When there’s abuse, it breaks the bond that’s meant to reflect God’s love and care for His people.
Love is a guiding principle. The Bible makes it clear that any abusive actions have no place in a marriage. A marriage that follows God’s covenant upholds gentleness, understanding, and mutual care. It also defends the oppressed and the weak.
Defending the Oppressed and the Weak — The Role of the Church
For anyone who’s vulnerable to abuse in the marriage, the Bible emphasizes principles of protection, justice, and care. The Bible also calls for compassionate responses toward those who are oppressed and harmed. It truly underscores what God has desired for any relationship, which reflects peace and well-being.
In Psalm 82:3-4, “Defend the weak and the fatherless; uphold the cause of the poor and the oppressed. Rescue the weak and the needy; deliver them from the hand of the wicked.” This verse only highlights God’s heart for justice. It also emphasizes His desire to protect those who are suffering or in danger.
Church Members Must Protect Those Who are Mistreated
This passage reminds church members of the responsibility to protect those who are being mistreated. God doesn’t expect victims to remain in situations where they’re being harmed. Instead, He calls on others to defend and support those who are oppressed. It aligns with the idea that the church and community must be active in supporting victims of abuse. The church must help these victims in finding safety and protection.
Always remember that God’s justice extends to each area of life and this includes marriage. When your marriage becomes a place of suffering and abuse, God calls you to prioritize your safety and dignity. If someone you know is in an abusive marriage, you should provide aid and intervention. God doesn’t condone injustice in marriage.
Live in Peace
Remember 1 Corinthians 7:15, “If the unbeliever leaves, let it be so. The brother or the sister is not bound in such circumstances. God has called us to live in peace.” Although this verse addresses situations where a non-believing spouse chooses to leave a believing spouse, it also contains principles about living in peace. It can be applied more broadly to situations of abuse.
God’s desire for marriage is one of peace and not conflict or harm. However, if the marriage becomes consistently harmful and peace is no longer attainable because of abusive behavior, then the passage can be interpreted as providing space for separation. It is a way to protect oneself from further harm. God wants all of us to be safe and peaceful. If marriage can no longer provide it, then God doesn’t want you to continue as originally intended.
Is Separation a Protective Measure?
In cases of abuse, the principle here can be understood as allowing for separation when staying together only endangers the well-being of a spouse. It’s true that the context deals with abandonment by an unbelieving spouse. However, there’s an underlying message that God values the peace and well-being of His followers. If a spouse is being emotionally, physically, or psychologically harmed, then seeking separation for safety is permissible. It also aligns with the biblical principle of living in peace.
Seek Support
No one wants to marry and be bound to an abusive partner. And God condemns kinds of abuse. He only wants married couples to love, and respect one another. When these two are followed, the marriage will work. Unfortunately, this isn’t applicable in this modern world. When there’s abuse in marriage, we must offer encouragement and guidance to those experiencing abuse.
The Bible underscores the importance of community, mutual support, and seeking help during times of suffering. Galatians 6:2 “Carry each other’s burdens, and in this way, you will fulfill the law of Christ” underscores the biblical principle of mutual care and support in the Christian community. It calls believers to support one another in times of difficulty. It embodies Christ-like love by being there for those who are struggling.
If you’re in an abusive marriage, you must know that you don’t have to suffer alone. The Christian community is there to provide you with emotional, spiritual, and practical support. You don’t have to feel isolated. Don’t believe that you must handle this situation alone. Galatians 6:2 encourages victims to reach out and let others help carry their burdens.
Healing with God
God sees your pain and desires a future filled with peace, safety, and healing. Psalm 34:18 says that the “Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.” This verse speaks to God’s deep compassion if you’re suffering. It highlights the nearness and comfort in times of distress.
If you’re in an abusive marriage, you may feel hopeless. The verse serves as a reminder that God is not distant from your suffering but He’s intimately close. He’s ready to offer comfort and strength. God sees your pain and is with you in your struggle.
Trust in God’s Plan
You should heal with God’s presence and trust in God’s plan. He can be a source of healing. God and the Holy Spirit are near you. He can bring a sense of peace and hope, even in the middle of difficult circumstances. You should seek God’s comfort through prayer, scripture, and the support of a loving Christian community that can be instrumental in your journey toward healing.
What does the Bible say about abusive marriage? God condemns and loathes it. If you suffer from an abusive relationship or marriage, take comfort in God. He has a plan for you. Always remember that what God desires for you is to experience peace, wholeness, and a life free from the oppression of abuse.
Jane is a Roman Catholic on a journey of re-learning about God and deepening her understanding of the Bible. She has over a decade of experience as a copywriter. Her goal is to blend her passion for writing with her spiritual journey. She writes content that doesn’t just uplift but also connects with people who wish to seek a deeper understanding of God’s word. Follow Jane on LinkedIn or Instagram.
